First Time

Hmmm....pretty sure this blog is going to be just for me.  More like a journal than anything else.  If someone reads it and it helps them, then awesome.  If no one reads it and it helps me, then awesome as well! Anyway, I guess I'll jump in and get some things off my chest. 

Yesterday was hard.  I don't mean like hard cause I had to do stuff I didn't want to, I mean like hard as in ripping my heart from my chest.  You see, yesterday was Mother's Day.  I have a wonderful mother, mother-in-law and friends but I don't have my baby.  I'm a mother without a child.  My child is in Heaven.  While I know that she's having a blast it's still so tough on me. 

My husband and I tried to have a baby for 2 years.  We went through countless tests and treatments for them to tell us that there was nothing they could diagnose as wrong.  We are part of the small percentage of unknown.  Then all of a sudden we got pregnant! Almost exactly two years after we started trying.  My pregnancy was a breeze.  I was hardly sick, I gained the right amount of weight, did all the right things and was super healthy and happy.  We found out we were having a girl and decided on the name Bella Ray.  Her Daddy went right to work painting and getting the nursery ready.  Everything was perfect....

I got a virus.  A simple virus that everyone had.  I went in for my 36 week checkup and they told me there was no heartbeat.  I delivered a perfect 3lb 11oz baby girl the next morning.  A beautiful angel.  Perfect in every way except she wasn't alive.  All my hopes and dreams were shattered.  All that time and now what?  The birth of a baby is supposed to be the best day of anyones life.  I left the hospital without my baby, my arms aching and empty.  My heart completely and utterly shattered.  All I had were questions of "Why me?" "Why my baby?"

It has been a little over a year now since we lost Bella.  I went back to the fertility doctor and did a few more rounds of IUI but nothing happened. He basically told us the next step was IVF.  We aren't really financially ready for that jump yet so we have just been trying on our own.  So one year of trying down, I wonder how many to go? Hopefully not too many more. 

We are now on herbs and acupuncture. Maybe something will happen.  If nothing else, it has helped me de-stress a little.  I know in my heart that everything happens for a reason and in God's timing but it is hard to actually just take that and make myself feel better. So on goes my journey to find my happiness again.  I know I'll find it one day, until then I'll keep looking.